Letters from the vault.For a kitten. We are grateful for the time that we have....

This was written more than a year ago, when Pumpkin was still alive. To someone who was loosing a kitten she's worked very hard on. I thought what it said applied to others, and perhaps would give comfort to all.

I have been thinking about how to explain XXX, to the best of my ability. It’s hard, because I never saw her, examined her, or brought her into my hospital for anything, and there is no way for that to happen.

I do have 30 years of veterinary medicine though, and here’s what my observations tell me.

Sometimes kittens and puppies are born with terrible defects. Most of the time mothers abandon them and they do not survive. Sometimes we intervene and try to raise them. Some of them are a simple as the cat version of RH factor- kittens who’s blood type was different than moms enough so that they have antibodies to their own blood, and fail to ‘thrive’, lasting a few days or weeks- to complex and global internal and external problems

Many animal babies born with visible deformities and visible defects in function have other defects inside that we can not see. Sometimes the body of that baby can only support it’s own life while it is at a particular size, or developmental stage. As it’s body grows, the demands placed on damaged, deformed or otherwise defective organs increases, and eventually the demands of the growing and maturing body become too much for the entire system to handle. At that time, the hidden defects become active, and a chain of events may occur that ultimately ends this babies life, or cause a situation that will eventually shorten life.

We often see this with the defect ‘liver shunt’, and with defects to the brain and spinal column, as well as the heart. Manx kittens who are born completely tailless often wind up not ‘thriving’, and ultimately either living a short and uncomfortable life, or dying very young. Some manx kittens can have a defect in their spine which causes major problems, and this defect is mirrored internally.

I have seen also kittens with horrible deformities and birth defects do OK. The kitten born with a deformed heart given 2 months to live is 2 years old now, survived her spay just fine and is an active happy girl. The kitten born with one leg missing and one eye too small is fine as well. He has a heart murmur so we monitor that, but right now he doesn’t care.

Sometimes we win with these little ones, sometimes we loose. Either way, it is only about their comfort, and giving them as many good days as they have. Our intervention always gives them extra good days that nature did not plan for them.

It is a terrible thing to put your heart and soul into a kitten who dies, or to know that the end of good days is coming. I’ve done it, and I know me, I’ll do it again. You question every action from day one. Your heart breaks, and you feel everything from the deepest sorrow, to anger, guilt, anxiety and confusion. Most people around you don’t ‘get it’ enough to understand it is just like loosing a person, so the grief support is not there. Work will not offer you time off, few will think of sending you flowers, or coming to cook dinner for you.

Over and over you ask yourself, “What did I do wrong?”

The question really is, “What did I do right?”
Because in the real world of medicine, you gave a life extra days, extra good days nature did not have for it. Many extra days.

So what did you do right?

I have understood deeply that sometimes I will love a cat that has only a short time on this earth. I have one now who I question, the little cat “Maggot”. (His name is a long story, suffice to say it fits him, and he’s very cute)

Maggot was born with kidney stones. He should have died at 5 weeks old, however he landed in my hands so at 5 to 6 weeks he was getting ultrasounds, had an IV cath in place, and was getting IV fluids for two weeks ( at my house, it’s great to take gear home) and tons of drugs, several of which had never been used on a cat.

Maggot is 1 year old now, tiny, cute and a nut…but I never forget, he was not meant to be alive.

I am grateful for the time I have been given. I will remember to be grateful that I have any time at all with him. We are grateful for the time that we have.

Boogar is not meant to be alive. He should have died at 4 weeks old, dog caught. He should have died again last Christmas, of MRSA. He’s been 11, almost 12 (12 on April fools day, go figure) years of consultations, messages on VIN, interviews, research, discussions with veterinary and human neurologist, experimental drugs and drug protocols well beyond the scope of most of California’s veterinary medicine. We are progressive and proactive out here… and Boogar has pushed the envelope.

                                    I am grateful for the time that I have had….
From everything you have told me, I do not think anything you did caused or hastened XXX’s decline or caused such a body wide problem. Medicine is not a science with hard and fast rules, besides the very simple ones like ‘you need to be able to breath’ and ‘yes, you must have a heart’. Medicine is an art form, like composing a symphony in 40 parts. (I am also a composer & artist, so I think in these metaphors) Each instrument must work in relationship to the other, but how you use them is flexible and changeable- an art form.

No matter what the outcome, you did not ‘do’ this. You are a helper, a nurse, a kind heart…not a cause of a defect. We do not have the power to heal so absolute, nor do the small things we do that we question have the power to cause something as dramatic as XXX’s quick decline. Only the body itself has that ability, to heal or fail as it sees fit, or is programmed to do.

Thinking outside the box is what good vets do, and what good pet owners do. Disabled pets need creative approaches to medicine, everything from simple changes in environment for comfort, to the complexities of anesthetizing and doing surgery on some of these animals.

Not all vets can provide this. This does not mean they are bad vets, it means this sort of medicine is cutting edge stuff, and some is considered experimental. Some is simply not taught, and sometimes you do not have the staff and equipment for some of the things that are needed.

Boogar for example, must never be anesthetized without someone who understands the effect of spinal cord injury to his ability to breath. He can not breath by himself under anesthetic, which most pets can. Someone (usually me) has to breath for him for the entire procedure, until he is completely awake. This is outside the scope of many veterinary practices, as it is not commonly done to breath completely for an animal under anesthetic. He can not have the common anesthetic drugs. He must never be put under without an IV in place and a breathing tube, ever.

Pumpkin who is also paralyzed, is entirely different. He can be treated as a regular healthy cat with anesthetics. However, he’s diabetic. He may not heal correctly.

These are not all the cats who have disabilities or severe medical challenges that I have.

Fizz survived feline distemper as a kitten, plus severe abuse. He was taken away from a ‘foster’ and brought to me weighing less than a 3 week old kitten at 8 weeks old. He was covered with urine and fecal burns, and he was light brown, which is what a black coat turns from lack of protein. His hindquarters are covered with scars.

Every night I got up every 2 hours to medicate him, handling him with gloves, a mask and gown. He lived in an isolation kennel, because he had distemper. I was so tired after 2 weeks that I got up praying he'd passed, just to end the misery for both of us. I made mistakes with his meds because I was so tired. Distemper is almost always fatal. Fizz is 13 years old now.

Sage and Jahrod were found abandoned on a hot sidewalk, almost dead at 10 days old. In a box. Someone dumped them. Sage had seizures every morning faithfully at 4 AM.

Pea Pod was taken away from a foster who fed him by bottle until he was 4 weeks old, them threw him in a garage with a bowl of water and a bowl of dog kibble. He weighed less than a pound at 4 months old, was blind with protein & starvation cataracts, had lost most of his hair, and his bones were bent from starvation. He is now 13 years old.

Sarabi was taken from the same situation. Her digestive tract was destroyed. We medicated and fought for her for 8 years. She is dead. We lost.

I am grateful for the time that she had. Most of it was very good.

I have a zoo. The crow who had a broken wing, the cats who were thrown away. The big dumb happy dog who is my bark alarm. My house is peaceful, and full of fur.

My kitchen looks like a hospital, with locked metal boxes mounted on the walls filled with veterinary drugs and supplies. I’ve done emergency surgery on my floor. My life is odd, different…because I choose to care for these lives, and choose to extend that care to others.

I will never be ‘rich’. I may never retire. I may never travel. But I will honor my path.

I do not know if XXX will live. I my gut says ‘no’, she has lived well and is at the end of her days. I hope I am wrong. What I do know is that you have given her many extra days that nature did not set aside for her.

You gave her life, love, comfort and the best of all possible lives, no matter what the outcome.

I suspect you are grieving, or alternating between frantic hope and depression. Just stay with her and hang in there.

Let me know if you need anything.

Rev. Kadeth

Ghost, my rarest flower, who I lost.

Kadeth & Boogar