The world is soft.
It is wet warm and smells of Mother.
It is all one smooth color, black. Sometimes when the warmth moves the color is dark red and brown. If I move my head the dark colors turn back to black against the warmth of my brothers and sisters.
Milk is heaven in my mouth and belly. Mother’s voice and touch protect me, clean me and burrow me into soft.
The world is warm dark and smells of musk, milk, breath and grass.
The color of the world is getting lighter, sometimes when I push my head up the colors are almost pink. Mother sings a rumble lullaby, and with my mouth I try to sing it back to her. I sing tiny and high. My voice melts into the chorus of my brothers and sisters.
Bright! It is so bright! My eyes cracked and in came bright!
I am learning about the colors of the world. Mothers and brothers and sisters are dark. Home is dark. Beyond home is bright. Sometimes it is green and blue, sometimes it is dark. My ears reach for the sounds. Mother sings in her rumble lullaby, and calls in her worried voice, “Where are you? where are you?”
Brothers and sisters and i are always here, and we call back, “Here I am. Here I am.” in our tiny voices so sweet and high.
I am learning about standing. I stretch up up up and stand shaking to sniff the world. y brothers and sisters stand and climb and roll. We practice walking, rolling, falling and getting back up. It is fun to stand and fall, it is fun to step and roll. Mother watches us or helps us roll. Mother is warm and smells of brightness outside our hoe. Sometimes she brings home dust, and green smells. Sometimes she brings home the smell of something exciting. It is like a milk smell, but different, strange and attractive.
My mouth hatches teeth. I am very brave now.
I am brave to go outside. Under the bright and under the dark, my brothers and sisters and I take small steps, short hops and falls. We like falling and rolling. We do that best. The world has grown bigger, and there are many things to look at in it. Grass, flowers, cans, paper, rocks, trees, birds, boxes. So many things, so many names, so many shapes. The world is safe. Mother is happy. I am happy.
Mother is busy. Brother and I have found a magical hole. It goes from one world into another. We look through. I can smell something very strange. It is a frightening smell, of big monsters, scary places. It is only a smell though. It lies upon the grass, but comes from nothing I can see. It must be from the ghost.
The ghost lives in the other world. It smells funny and makes loud noises sometimes.
The hole becomes a window we look through. every day we peek through, but we can not climb into it yet. We fall and roll, we like that best. Running is very hard.
Today brother and I fell through the hole into the other world. First I was scared, but then I walked onto the grass. It is soft and green.
We play, we are playing. The smell of the ghost is all around, but we have never seen the ghost, and we do not see it now. We are playing.
Bad sounds. I hear the ghost. We jump up puffed and spitting, standing as big as we can be. The ghost is huge. It is light brown and it’s legs are like four tall trees up into the sky. It runs, we run, we fall.
The ghost grabs my brother. I hear my brother scream and cray, and I hear Mother coming. My brother stops. He is red wet, and his spirit states at me sadly before flying away.
Mother comes. I run, but the ghost grabs me. It hurts. I scream for Mother and the ghost shakes me. The pain stops, I fall to the ground.
Mother licks me. I can’t stand up. I see brothers spirit in the tree, waiting maybe. I hurt inside, but not outside. Mother licks me and I fall asleep.
Strange smells. I am lifted, I am in a box. Mother cries “Where are you? Where are you?” for me and my brother. Mother cried “Where are you taking him?”
I hurt. I sleep.
“Oh, what do you have in the box.” the tech said. “Oh my, a dog caught kitten? Let me have the doctor look at him, we’ll see what we can do.”
“Ladies, it’s a rescue case, shoot an x-ray if you want, but there’s no money in this one. If you want to work on him for the experience, go ahead.”
I sleep. I wake. I am alone. Sometimes hands come with food like my Mother had. I am afraid. I hurt. Sometimes I am warm and safe with no dreams, sometimes the world is fill of monsters. I can fall, sometimes I can roll, but I can’t run and jump and play anymore.
Time passes in light and dark. I have food, and warmth from New Mother. Sometimes she carries me. Sometimes I am on the world and I pull myself along. My back feet stick straight out in front of me now, not like how they used to. They are buzzy, not like my front feet. Sometimes the pads get very pink, and they smell like hurt but they never do.
New Mother isn’t like Mother. She never calls me “where are you, Where are you.” and she doesn’t answer when I cry “here I am , here I am”. New Mother stops bringing milk. She brings other things. wet and good smelling, crnchy and new. Sometimes she picks me up. Most of the time I live in a silver world, with lines that go up and down in front of my face.
“I’m sorry, but this kitten will never walk. He’ll never eliminate on his own. He has no feeling in his hind quarters, no movement. Any movement he makes is spinal reflex movement. He doesn’t feel it, and isn’t aware of it. There are millions of healthy kittens in the world looking for homes, and a kitten like this doesn’t stand a chance of adoption, or of any sort of normal life. I recommend you put him down.”
“Maybe your right, I can’t keep taking care of him like this. He’s cute, but he’s allot of work and I just don’t have the time for him. He sits in a cage all day, I barely have time to make him pee, much less pet him. No one is going to adopt a kitten like this, and he’s never going to get better...”
“No, he’s not.”
New Mother is sad. She makes wet eyes and won’t look at me. My back feet smell of dead things. Some of the pink is black and brown, mushy, but it never hurts. I try to lick the smell away, but it doesn’t go. Pieces of my toe pads come off in my mouth and I spit them out. I pull myself around, and my back feet stick out in front of me. They are good to lean against.
New Mother puts me into my little world, the one that goes through the air. She is sad, and she won’t look at me or talk to me. We are going in the mouth of the monster that purrs so loud, that takes us to the place with the silver world.
There are flowers and grass growing in front of the place where the silver world is. The smell of ghosts are everywhere, but they never come close to me.
New Mother is very sad. Her eyes rain into my little world.
I smell Mothers, many Mothers. In the air I think I smell my Mother, and many brothers and sisters, but I can not see them. I only see someone like New Mother. I will make my spirit shine bright because I smell Mother.
“So, how is he doing? I haven’t seen you for a few weeks. Is he getting any better?”
“No. The doctors I’ve asked to look at him say he’ll never recover. The movement we thought we were seeing is just reflex, he’s not thinking when he does it. I’m having him put to sleep today.”
“No way- why?”
“I don’t have the time to take care of him, and he’ll never walk, never be adoptable. I can’t keep him, it’s too much. I need to do it now before I get any ore attached then I already am.”
New Mother is very sad. I smell many Mothers, and I hear the Sky Mothers That Watch Over Us All, very big and far away speaking in a rumble throat echo. I can not understand them, but the smell of many Mothers does. The smell of many Mothers has wings no one else can see but me. They are white and dark all at once, shiny and shadow.
I hear the cat gods speak.
They thunder in my ears-
I speak.....
“Give him to me. I’ll give him a chance. He can come to work with me, our specialists can look at him. It’s up to you, but I’ll take him if that is what you’d rather do than put him to sleep.”
New Mother gives me to the smell of Mothers with Wings and we go to a new world. this world is very different. Many brothers and sisters live there, and it is big. there are no bars. Mother wings brings me many foods, and picks me up and carries me. The brothers and sisters come to play with me.
Time passes in bright and dark, in food and play, in sleep. Every morning I have to eat a small white food that tastes bad, and drink a little bad tasting drink. I don’t spit it out because Mother Wings is happy when I eat it. Sometimes I spit some of the little drink out. It is very bitter, sometimes it makes me drool. I get mad, but only for a little bit, because the taste goes away and i feel better inside.
My feet are different. One day mother Wings took me somewhere and took away all he smell and the black and brown off my feet. They smelled hurt, and had red on them, but they didn’t hurt. She wrapped them up in white. Every day the white came off and went back on. Then the whit came off and my feet were pink and smelled good again.
Mother Wings makes me stand. She holds me up and makes me stand. I can move my back feet now, and if I try very hard I can climb up on a big soft thing where my brothers and sisters sleep. I play and play. I can run with just my front feet, but Mother Wings makes me use my back feet sometimes.
I can feel something in my feet. It hurts. i bite them and it goes away. Sometimes I feel full inside and I climb into a box with sand in it and dig. i dig and dig and wait. i think hard about the fullness, but it doesn’t go away. Mother Wings comes and fixes it for me. Mother Wings fixes everything.
Sometimes my tail tickles. it moves and I chase it. I love to play with my brothers and sister. i try to itch my ears but my feet can’t reach. When i stand up. Mother Wings tells me i am good. Sometimes I can run like the brothers and sisters, but only for a little bit. the I fall and roll with my back feet, and have to run on my front feet. Mother wings tells me I am good. Mother Wings brings food.
“I’s amazing that he’s learning to walk. Give him 6 months, see how far he progresses. It’s unlikely, but it’s still possible his bladder function returns. I don’t think all of that movement is spinal reflex, he’s aware of what he is doing and choosing to do it. That can’t be reflex walking.”
Mother Wings uses her hands to make my back warm. The warm reaches inside and makes me sleep. i caught a bug today and it stung me, but Mother wings fixed it. Mother Wings picks me up and holds me all the time. I try to walk for her, i try to shine my spirit for her.
“Where are you Boogar.” she calls to me.
I answer, “Here I am, here I am” and she comes to find me.
(PS, the dude is 14 years old now!)
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